baby's update

1. Today marks 36 weeks of my pregnancy. We have officially made it to our absolute dream goal. Now every day from now on is a bonus! 2. It has been 4 days since I am off all my medications! 3. My doctor now said we have 50% chance of making it to 38 or 39 weeks. (OMG!) 4. My tummy is measured at 40 weeks as of this past Monday! Sounds like I am ready? 5. I am 2cm dilated. Still a ways to go till I am ready for first stage of labor. 6. My feet and fingers are completely swollen. Ouch! 7. This summer heat makes me sick!

Happy 35 (1/2) weeks

This is a few days late, but we made it to 35 weeks. Ever since then, my daily life became much more eventful. I am officially done with being a bed rest princess. Though, I still have to rest a lot, until 36 weeks. Then, I can pretty much do whatever I want. The thing is, I am getting bigger and bigger as the day goes by, so it is not easy to be a couch/bed potato. Especially, the weather is getting so hot too. But, I tried to move a lot more, and take breaks in between. Anyway, let me share some of my exciting events since I hit 35 weeks. First, I got a much needed hair cut. All pumped for summer! Well, I guess, ready is a much better term. I never really like summer in the first place. Here is a picture of my new hair cut:

Then, I had my doctors appointment. Things are looking much better than 7 weeks ago. Everyone at the clinic are pleased to know that I am still pregnant. Also, I am obsessed with riding those drivable shopping carts at the grocery stores. Even though, I look absolutely retarded and catch everyone's attention, those gadget are the best thing for pregnant women, especially the ones who's not supposed to be on their feet a lot. (ha, like me!) Paris also got me new shoes. My feet are so swollen, which made me upset. They look like elephants. I am not kidding. And they hurt so bad. It's so swollen that I need to buy bigger size shoes. That's sad, right? But those shoes are very comfortable. Also, on a related note, I gained back every that I didn't get at the hospital. Aye, that's a lot of pounds that I put on. I need to be on regular exercises really soon. Yesterday, we made homemade treats for the nurses at the hospital. Paris made a cobbler and I made sugar cookies. It was nice to see everyone at the hospital. They were excited to see us too. It's a good feeling to have people rooting for us. Just a few more weeks, then Oren will be a full term baby. We can so do this! I also started sewing again. Here are some of my new projects:

My super cool grocery bags!

Of course, there's no Natalie, if there's no Hello kitty! Hope your weekend was as eventful as mine.

not so happy 4th

I am sorry, this is not going to be a pretty post. Stop if you don't wanna get depressed. Today is the first holiday after my hospital days and we are so close to 35 weeks. Which also means I can slowly resume my normal activities. In honor of all these excitement, Paris took me to dim sum. We were trying to be smart and picked a place that my parents wouldn't go. It was almost our turn and whit out of luck, there came my parents. My mom gave me this eyes, "omg, you are huge!" The first thing came out from her mouth was NOT how am I doing, or if baby is okay. Instead, she said, "congrats on the baby boy!" Then I was like okay, some stupid people told you two. Fair enough. And after all the hospital stay you still don't know how to really get your act together? At least to really show your concern? Heck, I was in the hospital for 6 weeks! Is gender role really that important? Also, if this is a girl, are you not gonna congratulate me? One word this is bogus! And I actually swallowed this and willing to have a decent lunch with them. But things got worst! My mom then said if there's anything you need help just let me know. Then I thought, okay you know its a boy, how come I haven't heard anything about you two getting for the baby? Not tbhat I wanted anything. But as my parents, shouldn't they care? Then she asked, any plans for tonight? I said I have to clean. She was silent. Then I once again thought you are asking if I need any help? So your offer didn't mean anything? Then don't bother to ask me! Especially she knows I am not supposed to move around! At the end she was like do you want me leave? I stomped off and left with Paris! She still didn't get it. I do not want to associate with them. I gave you a chance, and the conversation got no where. Really, what makes her think I will forgive her after she told me she only cares about my brother? And till today she still only cares if I have a boy? She acted so stupid to chase after us. Paris and I worked so hard to keep Oren in. She is not gonna break us!

post sunday fear

So there was a little scare last night. My feet got swollen and it was hurting. Though my contraction was not painful. I ended up calling the doctor. But she was not too concerned. And my feet are much better today. I am still putting my feet up for the most part. I have 2 more days to be a full time bed rest princess. Oren still has not come yet. Can you guys believe that I stall labor for almost 7 weeks? I am so grateful. Hang in there, Oren!

sundays fear

Some of you guys might know I was really sick at the hospital two Sundays in a row. So yesterday I started panicking. I don't wish to go back to the hospital. And starting on Tuesday, I have to see my doctor twice a week already. I had to take a sleeping pill to help me sleep last night. But I was fine. Didn't feel any strong contraction that could wake me up. I woke up fine this morning too. I need tons of positive energy to survive through the day. On a plus note, I am half way through 34 weeks!

home sweet home

I have been home for 2.5 days. Things are slowly going back to normal. Thank you for everyone's love and support. If you asked me 6 weeks ago, I would never ever dare to imagine the day of June 28th would ever come around. More importantly, I am still pregnant! This is the biggest blessing that I have received in my whole life. I feel so fortunate. Now if Oren were to come out, things are much safer. But Paris and I have made it so far, we need to keep fighting. For at least 2 more weeks. Then Oren won't need to stay at nicu. Please continue to send us good thoughts. A little update to fill you guys in : I am still on bed rest for another week. Then I can slowly resume my normal activities. I have to be on medication till 36 weeks. But so far I feel okay at home. I sure have slightly more activities at home than the hospital. But I am still on bed rest for the most part. Also, I have to go see my doctor twice a week till Oren comes out. Starting next Tuesday. Here is a little story I would like to share: a few days ago before I left the hospital, early in the morning, we are talking about 5am, I heard my neighbor moaning. She must be in pain. Then moments later, I heard her screaming. I got worried. When you have been in the hospital for so long, you would slowly grew so attached to people there. Especially, patients who's also in pre term labor. Moments after screaming, I heard baby crying. That's the closest experience I had been with new birth. I bursted out in tears. The baby was born at 31 weeks 5 days gestation. All the nurses were really stressed. I was concerned about the mom and the baby. At the same time I felt very fortunate Oren held in for so long. Even though it was the most painful experience. It worked on me and Oren. Then later on in the morning, I heard from the nurse that the baby was doing great at nicu. His parents were so happy. I was relieved. The day when I left the hospital I got to meet this lovely couple. They gave me lots of encouragement and ensure me that I don't need to worry even if Oren were to come out. This couple are so happy. And I got to see pictures of their baby boy. Life is truly an amazing thing. Oren, I can't wait to meet you. But like all the doctors and nurses say, hang in there for a few weeks more. We need to keep fighting together! And a bit of super exciting news,as of this past Tuesday, Oren weights 5lbs 10 ozs. He is not even a full grown baby yet! How cool, right?

over the rainbow

I have not forgotten about blogging. Yesterday was another exciting episode from me, the best rest princess. Is that a Sunday rountine? For those of you who has been following with my blog would know I was sick last Sunday as well. I had very bad back pains yesterday and the nurses thought I would be in labor. They gave me various medication. And once again, I pulled it through. It was so rough and I was in so much pain. But I made it through the night. This morning, my doctor and us were discussing possible plans of discharging me on Thursday. I was on cloud 9! This day is finally happening and there is a rainbow at the end of this. I have to wait for ultrasound tomorrow to have the final call. But I am very hopeful! My situation is going to be stabled. Feeling happy!

racing heart beat

I have not been feeling well for the past few days. I am still not used to this new medication. It raised my heart beat a lot and I have been feeling very jittery. It was at a point I can feel my heart beat racing instantly. Not that good of a feeling. I had another ultrasound earlier this week. Everything was pretty much the same. All the doctors have been doing everything they could to keep Oren in my tummy. I, too have been trying my best. This past month (32 days to be exact) has been my toughest time of my life. We are all pleased to see Oren stays in my tummy for almost 5 more weeks longer. In a week, it will be 34 weeks. I really wish I could make it. By then Oren would be much stronger and he wouldn't have to stay at nicu for that long. Also, if I can make it to 34 weeks and Oren still hasn't come out. I can finally get to go home. Till he is ready to come out! Please continue to send me and Paris good thoughts!

doubt

Yesterday I had another near labor experience. I was in a lot of pain, and my contractions was so much stronger and more frequent. I was scared and I have not suffered from so much pain in my life. I couldn't help but have more doubt about this pregnancy. Again, the same question, "what have I done so wrong to deserve all this mental pain and physical pain?". I have been stuck here for 29 days. And I was told so many times that I can keep doing it. My response to this became numb. I mean really, can any of you guys do this? Let me challenge you guys. Try staying at home bed rest for a week. You can only get up for bathroom and shower. Just a week, and let me know how you feel. The feeling of having someone bring you food to your bed for 29 days and 3 times a day. That's not a pleasant feeling. What have I done so wrong? I just want a healthy baby like all the other parents! Like all other Christians always tell me, this is god's gift. Then why does he give me so much challenges? Is that a punishment? Or really I don't deserve any love? I also keep hearing the comment,"you need to keep fighting hard for Oren!". Listen up, everyone! It is not me who is not fighting! As I said before, I have all the love in the world for this baby boy. But my body is just giving up. Having to take all these medication so often daily, and yet I still have so many contractions. It really makes me wonder why am I still fighting. All these medication made me so sick and yet I don't see any changes. I am like why bother?! On top of it, I have to take all those shots every so often every day. It is not that I don't have a strong will to fight. But I fought for this battle for 29 days. I think this is beyond my limitation. It is easy for an outsider to tell me I need to be strong, but you know, I am only as strong as I can be. It is not that I don't love Oren. And please don't judge me on this! Maybe I should say I just wish I was much stronger.

exciting episode

If my hospital bed rest stay is a Tv show, yesterday and today must be a fiñale of a season. They finally stopped Maggie yesterday and I finally feel more like a human. I can finally go to the bathroom like a normal human. However, I didn't response to the new drug they are giving me. At first they gave me a higher dose, and I got extremely sick. I had a pounding headache and my vision got blurry. Then my contractions got stronger and I was in so much pain. It reminded me my first night I was here. I thought I was in labor right there and then. I had to get turb shot through out the night and my contraction did not get under controlled. I couldn't sleep. I was in tears all night. It was painful. Yesterday they switched up the medicine and hoped there would be a change. Sadly nothing happened. I didn't even get sick from the medicine. Or the shot. And I didn't respond well to the shot either. And of course my contraction didn't go away. I have never been so frustrated. I am in pain yet I am not in labor. Or I don't have enough strong labor symptoms. The medicine is not doing anything to me yet I have to take them every 2 hours. Imagine in the middle of the night someone keeps waking you up for pills and blood pressure? I feel so helpless. It feels like no one knows why am I not responding to the medicine. The even sadder thing is now there's no sign of me being able to go home. Because I am contracting so much. I am stuck here and no one can help me. Please, please tell me I don't have to switch my calendar to July here!

Life is a happy song

Today is a BIG milestone for Oren, Paris and me. We hit 32 weeks, which is a big number is pre term labor world. Everything about the baby will get stabled. If he were to come out now, it is going to be much better. Also, they took me off from the Maggie and the IV machine. Woo hoo no more Maggie. They switched me to this pills. But I got really sick for the first dose. I was dizzy, and sweating, my vision got blurry. My heart beat was racing. Not a good feeling at all. Last night was yet an awful night for me. Apprently, my contractions was out of control. The nurse had to wake me up every hour last night to tell me my contractions was out of control. I also had a turb shot at 5am and 7 am. I could not stay asleep at all. I was so scared. I kept thinking Oren is going to come out this weekend. Everything happened became a sign. I made it to 32 weeks, my OB is on call this weekend. (I really want her deliever my baby) My favorite nurses are working this weekend. All these tiny signs made me so scared. Then I started listening to my "Muppet" music. One wise man (aka @Paris Chavez) once told me, if I find something happy, I have to hold onto it. Honey, I love with you with all my heart. Thanks for being there for and sing this happy song with me.

To Oren... with love II

I remember one of the nurses here once told me, women are much stronger, they care be pregnant, they can go through all the pain during pregnancy, and even stronger pain during child birth. Because of this, I need to stay strong, and at the end it is all worthed. This thought came back to my mind when I had to receive another dose of steriod shot. This has to be the MOST PAINFUL shot I have ever received. First, it is the biggest needles I have ever since. Second, it goes on your hip, not just your arm. Third, there's no numbing medicine. Forth, it is a two parts series. I have another one at the same time tomorrow, on the other side of the hip. While this is known as the nastiest shot of all, this helps to mature baby's lung. The best gift I can give to Oren as a Mom. Every day, I have been starring at my arm constantly. Looking all the bruses, and holes that I got on all over my arm. (I am just a girl after all, and I love to have a clean arm, now both my arms are like old pin cushin.) But I constantly remind myself, I have to be strong for this, because I don't want to see Oren come out at this stage yet. Even if I can just keep him another week, I feel like the luckiest girl in the universe. Looking at my arm, feeling the pain that each needles drill through my skin, or all the heavy medicine I have to put up with, for 24 straight days and at random time that I cannot conrol, all I can do is to remind myself, I love Oren, and I need to keep him in. Even it's just one week, it is a week gain for all Paris, me and Oren. And truthfully, this is all the love a parents can provide to prepare the birth of him. Tomorrow is our 32 weeks mark, it's the 25th day I have been a bed rest princess at the hospital. I have been here since 28 weeks and I keep Oren in for almost a month longer. And a lot of people here told me I have done the best I could. Tomorrow, is when they start taking off all the heavy medicine, and it is important to see how I respond (I should say how my uterus) respond to the "lighter medicine" they give me. Like I said in my last blog post, this coming week is more like "all or nothing." I started asking myself, "Can I once again push through another limit and go against all odds?" Hang in there, Oren. Let's stay strong together, for just another week.

Against all odds?

Yesterday was yet another emotional tough day at the hospital for me. While it was supposed to be a happy Ultrasound Monday, it had a little bit of worriesome news. That got me upset for the rest of the day. Everything pretty much stayed the same: My cervix started thinning, baby heads is down... However, my tummy liquid went up very high. Which is something I didn't wanna hear. Apparently, if I have too much tummy liquid, it gives pressure to my uterus. Which is not a good thing. And this time, I was above their limit too. I was so scared. Then the doctor thought, one of the causes could be diabetes. Which is another thing I didn't want to hear. Gestational diabetes is one of the most coomon, yet scary illness in pregnancy. Sadly, it runs in my famuly history. So I have a higher chance (a 50% chance) of getting it. When I was 6 month pregnant or so, I took the test and see if  I have high sugar level, luckily, I was tested negative.  But that was a scary thing I had to face.  When they told me it's possible I could be a diabetuc (because I have so much tummy liquid), once again I was freaking out.  I was not happy to have to do that test again.  For the whole day yesterday, I was in tears.  I also discussed with the doctor about the long term plan.  In two days, they have to cut out some of my heavy durty medicine, because it could affect the baby.  So,  the doctor gave me the best and the wrost case scenario:  The best is, when they cut off my heavy medicine, my contractions stay the same as it is,  Then after next Monday's ultrasound, if things are looking the same, I get to bedrest at HOME.  However, they still think the baby could come out, based on all the symptoms I have been having. I hold onto Oren for almost a month (in two days, it will be 32 weeks, it is A MONTH mark).  I was sad to hear, this is the best we could have accomplished, the rest of it is all going depends on natural factors.  The whole day yesterday was a sad day.  Then this morning when I redid the sugar test and guess what?  I was once again tested NEGATIVE.  Take that, NEGATIVE.  I tired to remind myself I could beat the odds that I can just keep Oren in a little longer.  Oh this weekend is going to be a real test for us. 
But let me ask you guys, how can a person still stay positive and strong when you think you have overcome an obstacles, there more new ones come up? 

My first adventure at the hospital

After 22 days of staying on bed rest in a hospital room, I finally got to go on my first adventure yesterday. I went on my first wheelchair ride. Outside my room! I was giggling like a school girl when the finally agree to wheel me. It was quite a process for just a 10 minute ride. It even made me feel bad about it. One nurse had to wheel me and the other nurse had to wheel my IV machine. And on top of it, it took 5 minutea to unhook and untangle all the cord. And I only get to stay inside the building. But I was so happy to get to go outside. It was my second time on a wheelchair. It's quite an experience. Being a person who's totally capable of walking and having someone to wheel me is a strange feeling. My first feeling was dizzy. Having the first time to sit up is not an easy thing. I was dizzy for the entire time. And I was very sensitive to bring light, which made mem even more dizzy. Seriously, I had to cover my eyes for the entire time because I was so sensitive to light. What a strange feeling?! I got to go see the whole labor delivery unit and see the nurses who normally takes care of me in my room outside the room. Everyone was happy for me. It's a big step for me as a patient. I was much happier for the rest of my day yesterday. Simple things can make me super excited at times. Happy Ultrasound Monday!

Most/least favorite words

There are a certain words I love to use, sometimes I will use it over and over again. For example, the word "awesome." At times if I don't have a response to a certain question, I will just say, "Oh it's so awesome!" Or the word "doom." The phrase "I am going to be doomed" is also something I say it over and over again. But after this bed rest stay at the hospital, it got me thinking what are some least favorite terms in my mind? The FIRST one that jumped in my mind is CONTRACTION! This word will forever have a negative connotation to me. And I can tell you, it's making me so scared of trying to have another kid again. (No kidding.) Ever since the first day I got admitted, I keep hearing this word at least 100 times a day. "Oh honey, are you feeling okay? You are having too many contractions!" Or "You are having a contraction now, do you feel it?" This word sounds so bad at this stage of my pregnancy now. It is almost like a sin. The sad thing is, a lot of times I do not feel it. Or it does not hurt me much. The even sadder thing is, I have to hear the same thing every hour in the middle of the night when you are asleep. (see, that's what I call "hard core haunting"!) Every hour when they tell me how many I have (I am constantly on a monitor, and hooked up to a machine, so they know it right away. And it is awful for so many reasons. 1. When you are almost 8 months pregnant, you really don't want a belt on your tummy 24/7. 2. This monitoring stresses me out, it gives me more contractions.), it is always a reminder of how much of a loser I am. It is like, you are that many times of being naughty, I need to give you a turb shot. (In kid's world, this is more like a time out.) EXCEPT that shot is painful. The word contraction means so bad to me at the moment and yet I can't get rid of it. It is constantly haunting at my poor soul. Yet I have no remendy for for it. Again, I wish I could do something about it to stop. At least that will make me less scared of a lot of things in regard with this pregnancy, or perhaps the next one. Okay, it's your turn now. What's some of your most/least favorite words? Stay tune for my next blog entry: I just went on my first wheel chair ride this afternoon! (my temporary get out of jail free card.)

To Oren... with love

First off aI few random weekend update: 1. I was really sick yesterday. I felt weak and dizzy all afternoon and night. In the afternoon, I randmonly felt dizzy and started seeing circles. So my doctor lowered Maggie for me. But at night time, the found dizzy head remained unchanged. So the nurse had to call the doctor on duty. This time was wrost, I felt so sick and I could not eat. Note: Paris got me my favorite food Boom noodle. The doctor on duty got worried and thought I might be low in blood cells or iron. But they drew blood and did more test on me. I ended up taking a sleeping pill to help me to sleep. And this morning I found out everything was okay. My diziness also went away. Again, side effect from Maggie is so powerful. 2. A shout out to my sister in law @Noel Chavez. We got your awesome package. Thank you. Hope you had an awesome birthday and can't wait to come visit soon. 3. Yesterday was a happy present day. My threapist Holly came visit me at the hospital. Oh you have no idea how much I needed that talk with her and I miss going to her office. She got me a baby book for Oren. And I was told a baby book is a great gift for parents to make for their baby. It got me thinking about my stay at the hospital once again. All the doctors always say this is going to be the best gift you can give to your son. And he will know how much you have sarifice for him. When he comes out, he is going to be more precious than ever. I keep hearing similar comments from the doctors on a regular bases. On one hand, I thought, okay, maybe he will know. Or once I see his first smile, I will forget every single bit on pain I have been through at the hostipal. On the other hand, am I really that strong of a woman to go through all the pain. I mean this hospital stay is still a never ending stay as far as I know. Who knows what other painful medication I have to go through still. (side note: I had to take a turb shot last night also. Along with a new IV and two blood draws. This is 4 holes on my pretty arms!) But the baby book is so cute. Paris and I read through together. We can't wait to witness all the wonderful "firsts" with you. First smile, first tooth, first word, first walk... and of course, first shots at the clinic. We can't wait to have everything document in your baby book. Oh Oren, even though times are tough and there are so many times I cry myself to sleep. But trulthfully, we can't wait to meet you soon. (Tears start rolling again!) Some more interesting note: I woke up this morning and found a big hunky bruce on my arm!!!! One big BLACK one. Have yet to find out what causes it. A happy note: I get to go on my wheelchair ride for the first time tomorrow. I don't know if I can go outside the hospital building, but I GET TO LEAVE MY ROOM for the first time in THREE WEEKS. I better behave today otherwise my doctor will take back her promise.

ordinary people

No no I am not listening to John ledgend now. Though it is such a good song. It has been my 20th days here at the hospital. There are so many things that's different from my normal rountine. It has been 20 days since I.... walk and move like a normal person. Walk more than 10 steps at a time. Take a breath of fresh to the air. Go see the outside world. Eat properly. Go to the bathroom normally. Give Paris a normal hug and kiss. Cuddle with Paris. Cook with Paris. Sit outside of my garden. See my house or even Redmond. Play with my cats. Pet my cats. Feed my cats. Smell tom tom 's Butt. Make cookies. Go to great harvest co. Go to fabric store with Paris. Use my sewing machine. Make myself a nice cup of coffee. Take a shower with both hands. Sleep without a sleeping pill. Play with my beads. See my friends. Go to my threapist 's office. Wear normal street clothes. Do my hair. Wear any makeup. Eat at my dining table... and lot more! Can you imgaine when simple things like that got taken away from your daily rountine for so long? I just want to fe an ordinary person again.

baby pool

My dear friend @Billy Wellen has a pool my facebook page guessing when is this baby going to pop out. I started bed resting at the hospital at 28 weeks and now I am at 31 weeks. I have been here for almost 3 weeks. This baby is supposed to be born Aug 9th. Let's see who can be the closest. At first I found this very funny and now I am all into this. I am secretly hoping this is going to be a 4th of July baby. What are your guesses? I got my nurses involved in this pool too! On a sad note, I am alone at the hospital tonight. Someone want to come keep me company?

happy 31 weeks

Today marks the baby 31 weeks! Can you believe that? I came in at 28 weeks thinking I would give birth within a day or 2. 19 days later, I am still pregnant. I keep my baby in for 19 more days! Even though I have been through so much during this time, Paris and I are so thankful. To celebrate this great milestone, my doctor delivered some good news to me. Remember my good friend turb? I don't need him unless I am in pain now. So nurses won't be waking me up in the middle of the night. No more painful shots that raises my heartbeat unless I am in pain. And honestly I have not be in pain since the first day I got here. Though now that I am further along, contractions come more often. As long as I am not in pain, it is going to be good.

anxious night

Today marks my 17th day as a bed rest princess at the hospital. 8 more days to go to make it to 32 weeks. Wish us luck! Last night was a restless night. They had to give me 2 turb shots last night. (One at 11 and one at 5 this morning.) Please refer to my earlier posts re: turb shot. My heart was pounding so fast I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even hold on to anything or walking to the bathroom without bumping into things. One I was finally able to sleep like a baby for a while, I had to take that shot again. Stupid contraction! But I was well prepared. I even had my arm ready for the nurse. And there goes my night. On top of this, I slept alone at the hospital last night. Paris decided to go to a movie at 10 pm all by his little lonesome. I worried so much and I felt sick. First, in the 7 years that we have been together, we hardly sleep apart. That's part of the reason why this hospital stay is so dreadful. Second, we always go to movies together and driving alone in the dark can be dangerous you know. But it all ended up being okay. And he liked the movie. I am trying to catch up some sleep. Ciao!

to my desperate housewives lovers

I have cable Tv access at the hospital, yet I am still behind in this bit of info this time. I just found out the death of this actress kathryn joosten who played Mrs. MCclusky on my favorite show desperate housewives. Apparently, she is died of lung cancer. Exactly like how she died on desperate housewives. It is honorable for an actress like her when the creator wrote a death scene like that which happens to be a real life story. But I am sad because now for sure there isn't going to be a spin off. Even if they do they will never be able to find the same Mrs. M. To Kathryn Joosten, thanks for your amazing good acting which made Mrs. McClusky such a joyful "housewives" on the show. Thank you for the amazing 7 years (she didn't start the show till season 2). Desperate housewives has sure been a big part of my entertainment life which I will always remember.

"groomy" Monday with a smile

English is not my first language. Even I married to a native English speaker, that bit of information will not ever change. Because of this reason, I managed to create funny words. Like once I told Paris the weather is so gloomy today, but I told him the weather is "groomy" instead. Today's weather reminds me of this inside joke we have. The beginning of the week brought me some smile at this hospital bed rest stay. 1. For the past two weeks, I developed this new skill called " eating in bed." And I do that 3 times a day and sometimes more. This morning I spilled jam all over my bed. (Too asahamed to even admit this) when I first saw it I thought it was blood!!! Lol! Moments later the nurse found more jam on my arm and thought it was rash. Haha! I am just clumsy! 2. Today is ultrasound Monday! A little background story: the second day I got admitted to the hospital, they started doing ultrasound on me weekly. Trying to find out what's wrong With me. Like I mentioned, all the specialist doctor from the ultrasound place are dead scary and serious. (Please refer to my blog post "ultrasound ") but this doctor I met happened to be super good looking. Since then, I have been bragging about this "perk" to everyone. But hey, turns out all the nurses agree. If there is a small happy thing at this sad bed rest stay it is considered a bonus, right? So today's verdict is: there's some hope there. I can see some money (still not $200) waiting for me. And I am still in jail. My cervix stays the same as last week. And the doctor seemed positive that we are looking good in keeping the baby in till at least 34 weeks. It is going get better from here. Next Monday, I will get to see the complete baby ultrasound again. This baby... super active baby! 30 weeks and 4 days, still going strong!

crying for help

Within the past 12 hours, they had to give me 3 turb shots and they had to increase Maggie from 2 to 3. At level 3 that is when I feel completely sick. What if it doesn't stop my contraction? Are they going to crank up to level 10? Am I going to die before the baby is born? I am absolutely, completely, whole heartedly lost of hope. Why should I have hope when the situation is just going to get worst and worst second by second? Please, please I am begging for an answer. Where can one find hope when s /he has completely reached rock bottom?

why?

Why am I at the hospital? Why is my pregnancy have to be that much harder than others? Why is my contraction never stops? Why do they have constantly give me painful medicine that makes me feel so bad? Why does no one know what causes these contractions? Why does everyone only care about the baby but no how sick and emotional drained I am? Why does the baby have a much priority than me? Why can't I control my own life anymore? Why doesn't my parents and my brother show any concern? Why does my family still dwell on the idea of gender role so much even all these happened? Why doesn't anyone understand me? Why is my life so unfair? Why can't I be as happy as the other pregnant moms? Why do drugs have side effects? Why do I have to keep doing this? Why can't I? Can someone please answer my questions?

bed rest day full of sweets

So two random sweets facts at tbe hospital today: 1. I met this nurse with the prettiest name ever: Candy Peacock. Not only her first name is sweet, but I finally met a Mrs. Peacock in real life. She is amazing, she organized my room for me. 2. The nurse had to start my new IV today. (otherwise it would have been infected). And it hurts when they put it in because it goes through my vein. And they have do change it every 3 days. But because of this, the nurse gave me a cupcake! (That's two cupcakes in a row. Paris got me one yesterday!) Okay, no more sweet treat till next Tuesday! :) What's your favorite sweet treats?

patience?

This is not going to be a pretty post. Last night I had a bad hour. I had more contraction than I should. Then they added more Maggie on me. The whole day it has been so good except for one lousy hour. Which was not even terrible because most of the time I don't even feel those contractions. ( I am on a strict monitor 24-7) the even sadder thing is I was sleeping when that happened. Then the first thought was should I not be sleeping anymore? I like to be in control of my life. If I know what triggers this contractions, I will do anything in my power to stop it. Not eat? Not sleep? Okay, I will do this! Really, what can I do? Life at the hospital is like an emotional rollercoaster. Physically I know I am in good hands because I don't think the doctors and nurses will let me die here. But mentally, I am completely drained. They keep adding and decreasing then adding more drugs. I cannot handle it anymore. I am mentally going crazy. I am 30 years of age and having to rely on sleeping pills to go to sleep is not an easy feeling. Let me ask how many of you out there have to be constantly rely on sleeping pills? You might be pregnant, you might have pregnancy sickness. But have you had that much medication like me? Have you been physically so tired and being tied to a bed all the time? Have you had to stay at the hospital for so long and not really know your future? Honestly, can someone please honestly tell me how much more patience do I need to survive this whole experience?

gender roles?

First I need to do a shout out to my wonderful brothers and sisters in laws (aka SF and Portland peeps). Thank you so very much for the lovely flowers and your kind thoughts. I am hanging in there! A little background story: I haven't told my parents this is a baby boy. In Asian culture, boys are so very important. Much more important than girls. As a matter of fact, my folks once told Paris and myself that they only wanted boys. They only wish for a grandson. I won't go in details. But through out this pregnancy, first they, didn't really show any concern. Second, they made judgement and we are talking about judgement how the first kid HAS to be a boy. Every time I hear or think about this, I burst out in tears. I questioned, "Why is having a girl so bad? I live life very happily. And I am a girl who has an amazing husband who loves me dearly. Isn't that more than enough? This evening this thought haunted at me again. I got a call from my aunt. Don't get me wrong. She had been amazing. She constantly checks on me. She comes visit me and cooks for me. But in her last visit, she overheard Paris and I referred our baby as "he". She asked Mr, "Oh did you guys find out the gender? " Then I got gort once again. I have been bed rest for nearly 2 weeks. And I have been constantly on drugs that makes me sick for 2 weeks. I have been through hell, disappointments and near death experiences. And I still have at least 2 more weeks to go. And here you are still dwelling on the gender of the baby. Is that more important than my health? My baby's health? Dear frimeends and families, please answer me, why is the idea of gender role so important? I have been trying to find an answer for the past 4 months and till to date I am still clueless!

perks

Rise and shine! Well it is a gloomy day I know! In order to help me stop thinking about the negatives, let me share with you guys some of the perks I have at this bed rest stay. 1. I have a family friend who happens to be a nurse at the labor Dept. She has been taking super good care of Paris and I. She has been bringing me tons of goodies so I am not stuck with hospital food all the time. Though the baby gets too excited of outside food at times. Causes me trouble!!! 2. Room services- though hospital food might not be the most ideal food. But if I am hungry all I need to do is to dial one number. Well and wait 45 minutes. No cooking right there. 3. Nurses here are amazing. Can you imagine having someone do everything for you? All you do is bedrest and keep the baby in? I have clean gowns and sheets everyday! All thank to the nurse here. 4. Tv- as big of a Tv junky as I already am, being stuck at the hospital makes me en bigger Tv junky. Some update on me and baby's health- the doctor lowered my drugs today. My contractions have been under control this past 2 days. But they have been jerking me around with this drugs constantly. Ups and downs. Maggie (see my previous post) I love you and I know you have been working so hard. Take a break okay? Deal.) I need all the positive thoughts there. Let's hope it stays this way all weekend. They have been doing tests on me and see if I am at risk for labor. Both of the times it was positive and they did another one today and it was NEGATIVE!!! It means I have a much better shot of keeping the baby longer!!! Great way to start the month of June! Okay, what are some of the major perks or benefit you receive before?

current food craving

@ Paris Chavez wanted me to blog about hospital food. Let's just say Ihave been spoiled to have an amazing husband who can cook well. Being a big foodie, it is not easy to have the same food over and over again. Especially when you are 7.5 month pregnant like myself, you want good food. So far hospital food has not been terrible but this bed rest experience makes me cherish a simple home cook meal. I don't think I will desperately wanting to eat out so much once I leave this hospital. Though I must say this hospital has decent salmon and cookies! Current craving: 1. Yogurtland 2. Apple crunch bread from great harvest company 3. Coffee 4. Good brown rice 5. Beef stagonoff 6. Spaghetti and meatball Now it is your turn. What's your current food craving?

big milestone

It has been the 12th day I am at the hospital. And I made to 30 weeks. My baby lives in my tummy for another week. How amazing! Let me share about 12 random facts about this best rest stay 1. The bed I bed rest on is far from the one at home. This has been giving me all sorts of bone and muscle problem. 2. Not being able to sit up and eat regularly is yet another horrible thing. It makes me spill food over me constantly. Very embarrassing! This has to be erased from my memory sooner or later! 3. Strangely enough hospital gown became my favorite attire. They are big and roomy. Perfect for the pregnant me. 4. They switch my IV once every three days. It hurts when they have to poke new holes in my vein. Ouchie! 5. When I was on a lot of magnesium they have to draw my blood once every 6 hour to make sure I don't have too much in my body. I once had a dude woke me up at 3am telling me good morning. I so thought I was in a dream. Thank goodness those days were behind me. 6. This is a scary one when you are at pre term labor. I think it is the scariest one. There are 2 shots the give you that helps to mature babies lung. What I call the "butt shot". They literally shot it right on your butt. It takes 48 hours to have effect. And hay the baby is still in my tummy. 7. The night time bellevue view is very nice. Especially when you are on the 6th floor. 8. I get so hot since I am on so much drug and I love to have air condition 24-7. One major perk. 9. Hospital food- not so good! I miss home food so very much! 10. I became very skillful using one hand to do things. 11. The tub in my room is superb! Makes me enjoy taking bath more. 12. Last one-there's this hat in the toilet that I have to measure my pee each time. Boy, I do pee a lot. Dear friends and families, are there some random fact you would like to share?

my new bffs

To answer @ Noel Chavez questions, let's me introduce you to my new bff, the IV machine. Basically, it is a walker type of thing that allows bags of liquid and medicine drip in my body. I have to carry this with me at all times. Yep including shower! This new bff has lots of branches. Among all the most evil one is Magnesium. Maggie for short. She is an evil queen who has been haunting at me day in and day out. She releases her evil spirit as the doctor orders. Sometimes it can be more and sometimes it can be less. She has been making me miserable. Think about you are at a pregnancy hangover. I know you are not supposed to drink. But this is the best way to describe. There's a point the nurse had to give me oxygen to breath. Cause Maggie made me feel so bad. But she loves baby. She is good to keep the baby calm in mommy's tummy. But hey shouldn't she love mommy too? No mommy no baby,right? There is another new thing whom I just met. His name is Turb. It is a short form for something. All those medical name... he is powerful in his mean way because he comes in shots form. When he goes in my system my heart beat as fast as my baby. For those of you who doesn't know, baby has a heart that's 110+ a minute. Then my hands will get shaky and I will not be able to talk right. Last night I was trying to say something and I ended up repeat the same words three times. But again, he too loves baby. He rocks my baby right to sleep. He hates mommy too. In fact he will leave a big stink on me to remind me how much he hates me! When things that you think they come naturally start slowly disappearing,then you start to learn you cannot take things for granted. I do not remember when I have to learn how to breath and talk. Let me ask you here, can you think of anything that you always take it for granted?

a set back

This is going to be a not so positive post. I slowly lost all my positive energy aftser "Dr. Scary"'s ultrasound report. But first off, let me say thanks to everyone who have been showing lots of support to Paris and myself. It is comforting to know we have you guys in our back rooting for us. Thank you. And one simple thank you is not enough for me to shhow how thankful I am even with this negative situation. I will be all over soon. Things got crazy around dinner time. Especially today it was out of control. I was contracting like crazy and I felt most of them. (Normally it is okay if I don't feel them) but I felt quite a number. So the nurse had to give me this stinky shot. This shot literally stink my skin and the bad part of this is, it raises your heartbeat so much. There was a point today I couldn't talk because I was shaking so much. (For my coffee lover, think about when you have the 10th cup). But sadly, it didn't improve the situation, so they had to increase the drug that constantly drip in my body. According to the nurse,the situation got better and I have less contraction. But I can tell you I am getting weaker and weaker by minute. Really? I thought hospital is supposed to help me feel better. I guess this is only restrict to babies here when you are in the labor unit. Let me ask you here, what's the best method to cope with set backs?

ultrasound

As promised, here's an update: so the hospital works closely with another place that specialize on babies. Every week there will be some doctor from that office come by and do ultrasound and check on me. Seriously, I have never been surround by that many medical staffs! This week the verdict from the doctor is: you are still stuck in jail. You might as well start loving orange since you will still be in your jail suit for a while. (Note: I am actually in hospital gown and it is not orange). And oh I still cannot collect my $200. Keep rolling double there! The truth is we are making progress. Contractions have gone way down. And my cervix didn't open as much as last week. However, anything I mean ANYTHING can trigger this to open up more again. I am still at huge risk. Seriously the doctor from today has no hope. But at least we are making progress there! Next week it is just going o get better. The most imporant of all: I am still hopeful!

hopeful

It is a brand new week at the hospital. Hope you guys had a great holiday yesterday. I woke up slightly before 6 am. The idea of hope came to my mind. Here's a list: 1. Today is my 10th day here and I am still pregnant. So there's hope there, especially no one would believe I would made it thus far after seeing what happen last week when I first got admitted. 2. Yesterday someone came in at 25 weeks with her water bag being broken. (I know I have eyes and ears outside my 4 walls). I am way pass 25 weeks and my water has not break yet! 3. They lowered my drug. (Okay there's so many drugs I learned in the cross of 10 days that I have been here). But this particular one is the hitch of hell. Magnesium! I will tell you guys later. They lowered this yesterday and there's less contractions there. Makes me hopeful! 4. Ultrasound later today and I will get to see my lovely baby being happily in my tummy. I will keep you guys updated about this ultrasound later. Here is my list. What makes you feel hopeful especially things might be gloomy at first?

thankful

A quick update here. For the ones who know me I love shower. Actually I am not sure if anyone know. But when you are on hospital bed rest, being able to shower is not an everyday thing Especially when you are on heavy medication like me. And today I was even able to wash my hair. I am like obsessed with hair you know. When your everyday life gottaken away, you will cherish them more. What are you thankful for at the moment?

peaceful holiday

Let's do a brief summary here.  I will catch up some important high lights later. 

Last Sunday my tummy felt really sick.  So I thought I ate something bad.  Hours later  it didn't go away then the next thing I know is.  "Go directly to the hospital, do not pass GO and there won't be $200 there waiting for you!"  The followimg day I learned that I have bad contractions and my baby wants to come out early,  It freaked the doctor more is that I started dialating which it shuldn't be happening at this stage of the pregnancy yet.  Then the verdict is I am on bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy. Along with this is they gave me a lovely new BFF (The IV machine) along with their BFFs (lots and lots of medications).  These BFFs has been driving me crazy physically and mentally.  But doctors and nurses love them and think they are the best for me and this baby. 

It has been the 9th day here.  People who know me already knew I am not a fan of the medical staffs.  Can you imagine on top of this I have to be strapped down on a super not comfortable hospital bed?  We are talking about one to two months here.  But after so many days we are making some progress here.  At least I am still pregnant.  Let's keep it this way for a little longer.   Shall we? 

Happy memorial day to you all.  I am such a festive gal,  Can someone bring me some BBQ?