doubt

Yesterday I had another near labor experience. I was in a lot of pain, and my contractions was so much stronger and more frequent. I was scared and I have not suffered from so much pain in my life. I couldn't help but have more doubt about this pregnancy. Again, the same question, "what have I done so wrong to deserve all this mental pain and physical pain?". I have been stuck here for 29 days. And I was told so many times that I can keep doing it. My response to this became numb. I mean really, can any of you guys do this? Let me challenge you guys. Try staying at home bed rest for a week. You can only get up for bathroom and shower. Just a week, and let me know how you feel. The feeling of having someone bring you food to your bed for 29 days and 3 times a day. That's not a pleasant feeling. What have I done so wrong? I just want a healthy baby like all the other parents! Like all other Christians always tell me, this is god's gift. Then why does he give me so much challenges? Is that a punishment? Or really I don't deserve any love? I also keep hearing the comment,"you need to keep fighting hard for Oren!". Listen up, everyone! It is not me who is not fighting! As I said before, I have all the love in the world for this baby boy. But my body is just giving up. Having to take all these medication so often daily, and yet I still have so many contractions. It really makes me wonder why am I still fighting. All these medication made me so sick and yet I don't see any changes. I am like why bother?! On top of it, I have to take all those shots every so often every day. It is not that I don't have a strong will to fight. But I fought for this battle for 29 days. I think this is beyond my limitation. It is easy for an outsider to tell me I need to be strong, but you know, I am only as strong as I can be. It is not that I don't love Oren. And please don't judge me on this! Maybe I should say I just wish I was much stronger.